An Interview with Lorem Ipsum
The post-neo-consiberal giant breaks his long silence with his first ever public interview
idk how to do the photo subtitles anymore but this is from reddit ^
What follows is a guest contribution, approved by the New Dorker.
I awoke at 7am sharp, more alert than usual. Rightly so, for this was the big day, which I’d been counting down to on my calendar for months.
I carefully observed all my morning rituals of preparation for the work day, for this wasn’t just another day at the office. Today, I had an opportunity at which any journalist would jump like a journalist jumping at something that journalists like.
8:30am. I walk out to my new Tesla Model S. I had a Model 3 before, which I set on fire after Elon did the Nazi salute, but his recent falling out with our current Commander-In-Cheese was a good excuse for an upgrade.
The sky was clear, despite the airplanes in the sky making tic-tac-toe games and Xbox Series X advertisements with their Chemtrails. I checked the weather to make sure—yep, the sky is clear. The sky is clear. The sky is clear. The sky is clear. The sky is clear. The sky is clear. The sky is clear. The sky is clear. The sky is clear. The sky i
s clear.
I booted up the engine (or whatever, I don’t actually know how Tesla’s work) and set the navi-computer to download the address I’d memorized in my head via NeuraLink—in Greenwich Village in South Manhattan, where all the g*y people live.
9am. I arrive. I would’ve got there in 3.74 seconds, but I had to stop and charge the blasted thing for 4 hours. Also, I took a detour over the sidewalk to run over 3 senior citizens in MAGA hats (honestly…).
Nothing could throw me off my game, though. This was the high point of my career as a gay journalist interviewer whatever guy for some crap newspaper or something, hitherto.
I rang the $2,000 solid brass sea-turtle shaped doorbell of the charming little rowhouse.
And I waited for Lorem Ipsum to answer the door.
After a brief space during which I couldn’t help dancing around on my toes and giggling like a stupid gay little idiot, the door opened just a sliver.
“Hello,” I said, my voice cracking, “ahem. Hello, are you Mr. Ipsum? I’m here for the inter-”
“Come in at once,” was the sharp reply. “You can leave your shoes off or keep them on or whatever. I don’t care.”
I followed him in to a small front hall, and through this to a flight of stairs down to a basement of the likes of which I’d never seen before I saw that one baseement I’m talking about.
Propaganda posters, ironically-hung, of fascist regimes coated the walls. The floor was home to the paraphernalia of every hobby imaginable—here a welding torch, there a table strewn with half-painted Warhammer miniatures, in the far left corner literal pipe bombs, in the opposite corner a makeshift podcast studio.
I was led towards the center of the room, where two things which I had initially mistaken for vast piles of video games dawned on me as an armchair and a sofa, facing a 120” 4K UHD TV With Mind-Reading AI Demonic Voice Activation Technology.
“Sorry I had to rush you in here so quickly,” said my host, while brushing two dozen Nintendo Switches off the armchair and directing me to the sofa. “I have to be careful stepping outside in the daytime, otherwise hot chicks come out of nowhere and start swarming me. It’s so annoying, honestly.”
I waved away his apology with a gregarious gesture and nodded simpathetically. I was quite impressed (W rizz), but I didn’t show it.
As we exchanged the usual desultory introductory commentary, he offered me a cigar; I declined. He then offered me a cigarette; I declined. He then offered me a vape pen, mod box, Juul, dip, snuff, pipe tobacco, cigarette tobacco and rolling papers, Zyn, Velo, hookah, and a can of White Monster in succession. I declined as politely as I could; “coffee will be fine,” I said at last.
“I don’t have any coffee.”
“Oh, then just some water would be lovely.”
“I don’t have any water.”
“Ah. Never mind then, thank you.”
“Well should we get started then?” he asked at length after taking a few puffs of a huge cigar. I winced, and thought “ewwwwww stinky gross cigar” because I’m gay, and produced my notebook from my pocket.
The Interview Itself Now That Were Done With All That Weird Storytime Crap
Gay Interviewer Guy: It’s been a long while since readers of the New Dorker have heard from you, Mr. Ipsum. Can you share with us what you’ve been working on, and give us some idea what the silence has been about?
Lorem Ipsum: Honestly, I’ve been just living life to the full. I don’t really have anything to say about the silence, other than sorry it was unannounced. The past year has been a time of great spiritual, personal, emotional, financial, and muscular growth for me, though, so it’s absolutely been the right decision.
To briefly recap, I sold my car and put most of my money into Crypto, and lived a hermit’s life in the dumpster shelter outside the Denny’s in Haddam, Connecticut. I made a rule that I couldn’t talk to anyone, so I couldn’t go inside the restaurant and order anything. I lived on sauce packets I foraged off the parking lot.
The only time I broke the rule was during the election, when Mr. Trump came to me, having heard the rumors of my holiness which were spreading far and wide, and ask me to pray for the victory of his campaign, and I did and he won.
There’s more, but I can’t say too much right now, as all that growth will be channeling into NDer content over the coming weeks. So get excited for that and stay tuned, would be all I would say.
GAY: Interesting. By the way, am I being recorded here? This boom mic I keep bumping into…
LI: Yeah no, I just set these up so it feels like I’m on a podcast, like Andrew Tate or Joe Rogin. I don’t know, it’s just kinda fun for me.
GAY: I see, interesting. Well, let’s zoom out and go even more big-picture here, as this is your first public interview you’ve ever given, is that correct? Can you tell us some of your inspirations and influences—the sort of why and how you do what and where you do it and for who and who was your whatever?
LI: Wow, none of that made any sense to me at all. I guess I got started with this whole thing because of those who were influencing me at the time, mainly the writers at the American Postliberal. They really opened my eyes to like, the behind-the-curtain of Liberalism, you know? And from there, EVERYTHING changes.
From there it was Patrick Deneen, Rod Dreher, Thomas Sowell, Neil Gorsuch, Machiavelli, Alexis de Tocqueville, J. R. R. Tolkien, Scott Cawthon, Toby Fox, Brian Limond, Sam Hyde, this one Dutch-Turkish guy on Twitter, you know just to name a few, and it’s all over the map, right?
I would say when you’re taking in all those really original and powerful influences, you’re at the wellspring as it were, and you reach a point where it all just overflows, and you say, “I need to write. I need to write better stuff than these stupid retards are doing right now,” you know? And you sort of reach critical mass as a knowledge-consumer, to where you just have to become a knowledge-creator.
I don’t know if that makes sense. I hope not, because it's a complete nonsense statement, if you said you got it I'd think great heavens! This guy's crazy… haha.
GAY: Haha, interesting. Well, we know you’re something of a Renaissance man; it’s not just politics that you’ll expound upon. Tell us about your musical endeavors,—are you on Soundcloud, is that right? I keep hearing people talking about it, young women for the most part, on the attractive side…
LI: Oh, no doubt they are astonishingly attractive. Yes, I dabble in the musical arts from time to time, I court the muse you might say. Which, like most society relationships, gets me talked about—and not always for the right reasons [self-absorbed laughter regular laughter, not the self-absorbed kind].
Music has always been a big part of my life. I recently discovered this fascinating subgenre of rock called math-
GAY: Ok, interesting. Well anyway, I know a great many people rely on you for advice on relationships, especially through your Questions for Girls series, and it’s led myself and many others to wonder: are you yourself in a relationship, and can you share any details with us?
LI: ZZZzzz… hmm?! I digress—what? Ooh, sorry, I was falling asleep for a second—this is really boring for me. Yes, I am in a relationship with a lovely woman, but we’re long distance right now. She’s in training for 6 years to get a certification in United States Military Bomb The Hell Out Of Civilians Big Damn Missile Inspection Administration (USMBTHOOCBDMI), at a base in North Korea.
We’re very intentional about it, though. She’s a person of great devotion to the faith, and she works for 10 hours on Sundays but feels kinda bad about it. I asked her out after Latin Mass; I noticed her camouflage veil with retro WWII US military insignia. She certainly knew what she was doing (laughter), what can I say! I fell for it.
We FaceTime every other Thursday, and on Saturdays we play Webfishing on Steam together. It’s a cute fishing game with cats/dogs Animal Crossing type thing :3
GAY: Aww, interesting. How did you and the other creators on the NDer staff chance to meet?
LI: Ah, funny story, actually. Some years ago, I was in Charlotte, North Carolina, in town for a Catholic Content Creator’s Conference, when I heard something scrippling around in the alley behind the conference center. I poked my head around the corner, and I see this bedraggled-looking bum rummaging around looking for half-used Zyn packets.
Naturally, I offered him one of mine. “Bet, twin,” was the reply, and we got talking. His name was Calberhan Stock, and to my surprise, I found his perspective on Liberalism to be quite adamant and well-considered. I felt I had to hear more from him. So we exchanged Discord tags, and years later, the New Dorker finally got started once we were ready to launch our writing careers.
The funniest part to me is still that, with just the way he talked and dressed and everything, I would’ve sworn he was black, but then after I let him use the shower in the hotel room, I realized with all the soot washed off his face that he’s as white as Herman Goring! (uproarious laughter until he starts coughing on his cigar smoke which he accidentally inhaled wheezing)
GAY: Erm. Interesting. And, Mr. Teatotaller?
LI: Oh, I’ve never actually met him. We were just mutual Discord friends. He seems chill, though. Says the N-word a lot.
GAY: Oh. Interesting. Well we’d better conclude there. Thank you for taking this time Mr. Ipsum, and I’m sure we’re all eager to see what you’ve got cookin’ for your readers in the coming weeks.
LI: Hmmm? Oh, you’re still here? Yeah sure you’re welcome, just hurry up and leave, this is a ranked Smash Ultimate match.
This interview was conducted on Monday, June 17th, 2025, and first published in the New Yorker, a gay magazine for little sissies. Well, hopefully they actually WRITE some ARTICLES for a change now otherwise what’s the point of even having this crap website
Dear Mr. Ipsum,
This had not passed my desk before publication. And you're lucky it did not.
A very selfless task of a writer, to use a diaboli advocati, and sort of dark mirror of yourself - and have "him" interview "you".
Rather this; next time you get a wild idea - make sure to pass it by the Executive Board (tm). They are located on floor 3. You would have known that if you read your employee manual, but, judging by this article, that level of comprehension might be a bit daunting for the likes of "ipsum".
Anyway, please heed my words with greatest care,
As always,
Truly,
Significantly,
Forever,
C. John Stack
CEO of New Dork Industries, LLC
Chief Editing Officer of The New Dorker
Brand Ambassador, Baltimore Orioles
I'm glad to see the New Dorker (Trademarked)is up and running once again. In an era of confusion and turmoil, the New Dorker (Trademarked) is producing the highest quality of articles.
MAGA