Whose Your Main? (S*M*A*S*H week 5)
Possibly the most revealing question to ask someone... Also a HUGE reveal, make sure to read to the end...
I main Corrin :D
Haha just kidding. No one in their right mind would sink that low. What’s going on in Corinth anyways??
Happy Smash Bothers week from 1381 East Otis Road, Otis, MA 01029!
I’m so excited to be a part of the annual festivities! Yee haw! One question: have you started praying the smash brothers novena yet? If not you can still hop on board and get all those extra trophies!! Remember, Bl. Carlo Acutis can help get you out of a tight spot when youre on youre last stock and your at like 360% damage while your opponent somehow only has 17.
But I digrets. (lorem that was for you buddy)
For reals this be how it be: as soon as you meet someone new, and you realize the only thing you have in common is putting serious hours into Smash Bros back in middle school, this is the inevitable question that will make or break the rest of the conversation:
“So who's your main?” 💀
Whenever I’m up to bat with this one, before I cringe through the floor I just joke “I main Random,” expecting a snigger or a half-curious chuckle. Most often I get “so you’re just terrible at the game.” That hurts my feelings and makes me not like people. But usually that’s what happens anyways when I do play smash because losing every time is not a good feeling.
I know I'm persecuted because I'm a generalist, not a specialist.
We could debate till the cows come home about the generalist versus the specialist approach. But it’s not so blag and whide. Both of them have their pros and cons. But here at the New Dorker, we don’t want to spread any Smash Brelativism, so here's the official Dorker’s Ten Commandments for Smash mains:
Thou shall not main Mr. Gaming Watch.
Figure out who you most relate to on a personal level. Are you an android like ROB? A swordsman like Link? A spammer like K. Rool? A child at heart like Ness?
Frick I have to pay the electric bill
Flowing Like A River
If you main fox, you're probably a furry.
If you main a male anime swordsman like Ike, you're a weeb.
If you main a female anime swordsgirl like Patulina you're a weeb and a weird freak to boot.
Scratch that. If you main any famale biddy at all, your masculinity is automatically in question. So maybe stay away from that side of the gender aisle during character selection.
Spamming is not a 4-letter word
Remember, it's all gift1
I’ve observed people usually mess up on the 6th and 9th commandments, but that’s ok, we’re all growing. It takes time. It’s ok to not be at the Final Destination yet.
But what I think people need to do in general is to learn to detach with love. We live in a world so full of attachments. People act as if they are married to Samus or somehthing. Get over yourselves. Branch out a bit for crying out loul. Meet new people.
What most Smosh players also miss is that the point of the game is not to get good, but to have a good time with your friends! If I truly enjoy spamming Meta Knight’s spinny sword move one moment and another moment falling off the edge three times in a row with Olimar’s terrible recovery, I should be encouraged for being bad and dumb at the game, not belittled.
It’s all a midnset thing. You could either play, lose a game, and think to yourself, I’m a loser. I can’t do anything right. People must hate me. That’s not how a true Dorker would approach it. The right attitude is to play, lose a game, and think to yourself, Wow, I AM a loser! Losing is an OPPORTUNITY! I’m so humbled to be playing this majestic GAME with other likeminded human PEOPLE!
![Add Mii Fighters to Random [Super Smash Bros. Ultimate] [Requests]](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/$s_!2w94!,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F99d290c1-1d53-4bae-a50e-6766df4426fa_300x270.jpeg "Add Mii Fighters to Random [Super Smash Bros. Ultimate] [Requests]")
Smash mains, lion manes, the state of Maine, the main thing, it’s all the same to me. Randomness is what adds spice and flavor to any game. It’s a cast of the die — a throw to the winds — a calculated risk — a leap of faith — a trust in the system. We random mains are good at thinging on our feed, adapting to new circumstances, and most importantly to have FUN. Got it?
Think about it. You main pikcahu. What if Nintendo randomly decided to remove pikachu from the game. What would you do? Not to beat a dead snorlax, but trying to improve your skills on just one (1) single character gets very boring, very grindy and very lonely VERY quick. To quote a famous smash brother, “you’ll get no sympathy from me.” So don’t be that guy. Piggybackign off of what Lorem said earlier, you don’t get into Marth college just because you gave yourself an A in Marth class. Be the risky guy. The rizzy guy. The random guy.
Don't say: 'That person gets on my nerves.' Think: 'That person sanctifies me.'
~bropus dei #174
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To piggyback off of what our friend Mr. CEO Stack said earlier, be careful that who you main does not affect your bittie/biddy/bitty/biddie ratings. Choosing the wrong one could be deadly. Just be patient and the right main for you will come along.
Speaking of ratings, to harken back to the main point of this article, what for real is actually your like actual main? fr? Leave it in the commends below. OR take this super helpful Buzzfeed quiz if you’re not sure.
Ok it says my main is Inkling after asking like 3 questions. What tripe. I… I could never play as INGKLCINGK!!! THEY DONT KNOW ME.ESOIURPSOEUNS APSERRTHYUNOISUVONISU AGDYFWAGFAWGE
***SUPER BIG ANNOUNCEMENT***
I am proud to announce with my partners, Lorm Ispum, C Jack Stock, and Cystool Cigarhead, that our own New Dorker has been working under the radar with Big Idea Entertainment to be able to launch the first ever, unasked-for, ALL NEW Super Veggie Bros. This is huge and you know it. This is bigger than BarbenHimer. This is bigger than all the smash bros franchise games, in fact.
I know all you sick freaks just want to take it out on Junior asparagus and give him an absolute walloping—a veritable spanking—a punch in his herbaceous gut— a thwacking of the third kind. Well I don’t blame you, he’s just so punchable. Star Wars lego death sounds were pretty big, but they’ll have nothing on Junior’s wailing and gnashing of teeth when he gets KO’d.
I mean c’mon, we were also waiting for the laura carrot v nebuchadnezzar showdown. And (spoilers) you absolutely cannot miss Mr. Lunt’s mexican ahh cheeseburgur final smash.
But, you knew it wouldn’t be free of course. This is the real world. This is a real VIDEO GAME, not your free online flash games from kindergarten. Flash is dead. Get over it. Pay us money. If you want Veg bros.
Wow that was a lot to absorb! Here’s some extra space for you… Feel free to print it out and take notes or journal!
About MySelf.
Yeppers.
Coolness.
Awesome man.
Sorry what was that? I was multitasking.
Bonus commandment: Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s main.
I can't believe we're actually making Super Veggie Bros!!! I thought we were joking about that when we talked about it at the morning meeting; you guys are too sarcastic sometimes I can't tell when you're serious...
Anyways, I main Mr Game in Watch